A rare trip to Walmart recently allowed me to embrace a reflection of my inner toddler.
A mom with a dissatisfied toddler got behind me in line as I was checking out. I’m not sure what had occurred for this toddler to be “done.” Perhaps she was tired or maybe hungry. Maybe her mom had overstayed the Wal-mart adventure. Regardless, she was in no mood to play around with her real feelings. She was crying, then screaming, then full-fledged beyond reasoning. Somehow, she was not getting what she wanted. That much was crystal clear.
Maybe I’ve been guilty of judging this situation in the past. I am guessing we all have been irritated by the unruly toddler tantrum disrupting our shopping. Not today; I felt like I could have been this child’s cheerleader or joined in like her best friend. I embraced her honesty to the core of my soul. I was envious that I couldn’t cut loose with all the feelings trying to strangle me; in an attempt to keep it together and act like the adult I was supposed to be. I wanted to high-five her for her candor and applaud her with a “Let those feelings go!” parade.
She didn’t screech out in protest, “I WANT…” But clearly, she was fed up and wanted something to be different. She easily conveyed that without a word. And as my eyes scanned those in the same area, I could tell there had been a momentary shift in toddler tantrum perception. I could feel the thick exhaustion in the air that no mask could filter. Yet our eyes could not hide the silent agreement of her moment of truth.
I am not too proud to say, bubbling under the surface of my “I’m fine” facade, some days my inner toddler is screaming, I WANT…
I WANT...
to not feel the need to apologize for sneezing and coughing, to not be forced to be 6 feet apart, to not be inundated with the word covid, to not have ventilator and oxygen part of my everyday vocabulary, to not be isolated and fearful, to not witness healthcare being overly exhausted and weary, to not need stock in germ-x and Lysol products, to not see hate and division magnified, to not hear of job and business losses …
I WANT...
social gatherings, visits with my best friend; not on zoom, carefree hugs, church carry-ins, school plays, a mask-free life, full grocery shelves, trusting sources of public information, toilet paper aisles to be fully stocked, to travel freely, to anticipate good, to see people’s smiles, and most of all, to see happiness replace the somber, hopeless reflection that has invaded the light in so many people’s eyes…
I WANT back these things and all that the past couple of years has stolen.
I am confident I want many of the same things most of you want. I wonder if two years of frustrations and escalation have you feeling like that toddler I mentioned early on. Is your inner toddler tantrum just below the surface threatening to overcome all your years of adulthood? You are not alone.
Remember, Let it Go a few years back? Perhaps that needs to make a comeback. I’m not suggesting Wal-mart your place of release. That could very well create a whole different, possibly police-induced circumstance. You might need to select the best location to wail purposely. Perhaps an open field, an empty house, or an isolated area will best suffice. I am not sure where you should go, but I think it might do us some good to release what is bubbling just below the surface.
But then we must face the reality that the rewind button is not reparable. It’s not what we have chosen but what is. I question if “normal” might need to be crossed out of Webster. I suppose that is not up to me, but it won’t be a word I use anytime soon.
We have to give ourselves those moments when the inner toddler is relentless. Let it go, and then remind ourselves that we must move beyond the infant stage and make the best of the current world we have.
I WANT it for you, I WANT it for me.
It is entirely necessary.
Reflection Question:
Does your inner toddler need to scream out and then let go of something pandemic-induced?