She’s maybe five foot two with a crimson shade of fiery hair and a girlish figure that has not betrayed her. She’s the only one who notices a tiny belly. If only after two children, I had that little evidence. But hers is after five! I don’t believe in 37 years that I’ve ever seen her without nail polish. She’s not just donning the polish, but it’s the one that matches the outfit, purse, and shoes she’s wearing. You would not know how many decades she’s gone around the sun. She’s his other woman. We don’t compete, but we love the same man. It’s not like a Jolene song; it’s her son and my husband.
We’ve never had a strained relationship. It’s been more of a “life is busy,” lack of one. She’s never been a meddler. She accepted me early on for the young, silly, love-struck girl I was. Then a few years later, when I married her son, he and I were off to build our own life. During those family-building years, we tend to overlook things; we don’t have or take the time to visit. Making a home, being a wife, having kids yourself, and working in the busy world is exhausting.
But those years often evaporate quickly, and you don’t even realize how rapidly they accumulate from days to weeks and then years. Then, a few decades later, someone who has been there all along begins to become a more significant part of your journey. You embrace it because this is a trip you no longer recognize. Somehow, it has taken twists and turns that you hoped would never be part of your story. And you know now the creators of fairy tales have lied.
Over the past two years, this has happened while my husband has been battling cancer. My mother-in-law lives just far enough out of town that we don’t get out there frequently. And now, the out-of-town doctor’s visits never seem to end. So to keep her up to date on my husband Darran’s appointments, I started sharing updates on messenger. At first, it was just medical information. Then one day, it was different, and I shared more. She heard my heart’s plea and the unbridled desperation through my message, and she replied with words designed to uplift a weary soul.
From that point on, I have shared the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve shared more than the medical aspects of her son’s battle. We agree that he is undeniably fantastic, sweet, strong, and loved. But some days on this end, he is also beyond difficult and stubborn as a typical mule. I should have listened more to those childhood stories when his older brothers called him temperamental. No surprise now. Stubbornness is a positive attribute when you are at war. Maybe not so much when the battle is with your home nurse, also known as… your wife! However, on some days, when I look at the big picture of all he has endured, I am surprised that he isn’t worse.
Other days…well…I message his mom.
Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself this is her son, and she is going through a lot on this journey, too. Yet she has admirable strength that not all receive. She knows her son’s personality but has a genuine mother’s love that overrides and finds a positive twist. And she simultaneously hears and acknowledges my frustration. She has this uncanny ability to respond in a compassionate, encouraging way that honors us both. She also helps me reflect and reminds me to choose the glass half full. That gets my attention and allows me to reminisce about that young boy I fell for years ago.
When I was sweet 16, those piercing baby blue eyes, the dark 80’s hairdo, and the butterflies that hit me when he walked across the street to sit on my porch with me were characteristics that quickly had me turning to mush. But his glass-half-full outlook attracted me, too. I usually have to flip my glass over and around and contemplate where it’s leaking. So his view has both frustrated and amazed me through the years. It is clear to me now where his perspective was born. He got it from his mama. And right now, it is critical for all of us.
My mother-in-law has seen her share of heartache throughout her entire life. And now, as I deal with my husband having cancer, her son, as well, she doesn’t waver or doubt. She holds onto the best outcomes and reminds me not to get lost. Just today, she encouraged me to get back to my blog and not let this cancer battle take any more from us, or in her own words, “refuse to let it drag us down.” I’m back to it, and I hope this is one of her favorite blog articles yet!
Recently I have been pondering how to find a perfect gift for my mother-in-law. Her birthday is this week. It’s been challenging to locate something to show her how much having her support means. My husband usually finds something to add to her “museum” or collections of anvils, cowbells, etc…he may have something tucked away already. But I hope she receives these words as my entirely heartfelt and authentic gift.
Happy birthday, Ethel Burns!
Thanks for being “the other woman” and encouraging me during such a challenging journey for all of us.
Reflection Question
How does your mother-in-law fit into your life? Are there ways that she supports or encourages? Do you encourage her to be the other woman in your husband’s life?
Biblical Reference/article:
What is Naomi known for in the Bible?
Naomi is a caring, gracious, and altruistic mother-in-law.
https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/bible-study/encouraging-truths-from-naomi-life-in-the-bible.html