Sometimes I feel like God might somehow be proud of me. But other times, when something is threatening or out of my control completely, I don’t always remember how to remain calm. The struggle becomes very real for me. I often convince myself I might have some type of control. And then the level-headed trying to mirror Jesus girl has left the building.
Personality coupled with childhood experiences that often felt out of control became a sure mix of finding ways to overcome, fix, and attempt to “control” things as much as possible. I know now that I was never in control. But it built a pretty hefty, unhealthy foundation that I still struggle with today. Fix and control, fix and control.
Though I have no doubt God recognizes where my struggle began and offers some compassion, I also know He wants me to surrender, surrender all. And I’m aware but still have not mastered letting go. Because right when I think I’ve conquered this, my fear ignites a fire that is hard to contain. Stop, drop, and roll becomes just put the fire out yourself! And running around while on fire is never good.
Recently I listened to one of my favorite songs, “King of the World” by Natalie Grant. I am puzzled how it seems she got in my head and pulled out the exact lyrics that feel like they could have come out of my own pen. They didn’t, of course. But we must share some of the same thoughts or struggles.
I try to fit you inside the walls of my mind.
I try to keep you safely in between the lines.
I try to put you in the box I designed.
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye.
When did I forget you’ve always been the King of the world?
How could I forget you’ve always been the King of the World?
I’m pretty confident the King of the entire world does not need my help with anything. But I still offer and offer and offer.
I am not proud when I fail, but I’m being honest. As my husband continues his two-year cancer battle, those first few song lines above attempt to put a stronghold on me. Hey God, can I offer up a solution? Do you want to rest and let me take it? Please let me help. God, I’ve got the answer!
Probably shaking his head, God knows how to get my attention when I continue this unhealthy cycle. Recently he has been using my very own children to hold up a reminder mirror to me. Their words may differ, but they clearly say, “Mom, you helped teach us this. Have you forgotten?”
Our daughter’s faith is a constant. She actively and purposely embraces living out God’s word. Daily she reminds me that she has accepted the teaching and how we tried to raise her as a believer. I am amazed by the faith only God has provided her. She takes God’s words to heart and reminds me that he is in control. She has moments but has more God moments than not. She declares, rebukes, encourages, personalizes, and states bible truths and promises without reserve.
Our son’s faith is not always at surface level. It is there, but it comes out in other ways: through the music he plays in the praise band, working with youth, and leading his friends. I recently was having a tears flow freely day. He came up to my car window. And his quiet faith rose to meet me eye to eye. I wondered aloud if we were choosing the best treatment decisions for his dad. I started second-guessing. “Mom, we know dad’s days are determined. So are mine, yours, and everyone’s. God has already made those decisions, and no matter what we do, that will not change. That’s what I know about this.”
So this was a full-circle moment. Our children claim what we chose to teach them. They have their struggles with their dad’s battle, too. We all have dropped to our knees, in anger, fear, heartbreak, and moments of pure confusion. But our children have not faltered in a moment of my weakness. They instead embraced the truth. They offer me full blooms of seeds planted from their childhood and a quiet, Have you forgotten, mom?
I could hear a reminder from God Himself, presented in a love language I could embrace. He used those closest and forever imprinted upon my heart to emphasize that I’m not in control, but sown seeds can turn into beautiful blooms.
And I humbly thanked Him for being in control and for loaning me His children.
Reflection Question:
When do you most struggle with wanting to be in control? What have you had to give to God that you wanted to control yourself?
Related Bible Verses:
1 Corinthians 3:7
So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” – Proverbs 19:21